From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....
The new year has turned. In Times Square, the new, improved ball has dropped; in Key West, the lusty pirate wench was lowered from the top of the mast; and in The Pub Room here in Alton, they marked the passing of 2008 with the ceremonial raising of the barmaids' skirts. (OK, I made that last part up, but it is a plausible scenario!)
Y2K+8 was quite a year, and we at the AEWNCOYS would be remiss in not doing a retrospective, (besides that, these pastiche diaries are less work--oops, I wasn't supposed to write that), so here it is!
Let's go to press! the archives!
The......
2008: The Year that Was.....Something!
(Jan. 4, 2008) After seeing the coverage, CNN offered them a contract to replace Glenn Beck:
Woodchuck Chumley and Crackers the Chimp (who looks suspiciously like a current, high-level politician, will be on location at the Iowa Caucus Thursday covering the latest news for "GRRNews.com". The live coverage also coincides with the launch of the game's official site.
(Feb. 1, 2008) OK, it is the New York Post. But still: Rupert's flagship rag (at least the sports section is good) endorsed Obama for the Democratic nomination, despite the Clinton's famous public rapproachment with Murdoch. However, it seemed less a ringing endorsement than an out-and-out repudiation of HRC:
His all-things-to-all-people approach to complicated domestic issues also arouses scant confidence. "Change!" for the sake of change does not a credible campaign platform make. But he remains a highly intelligent man, with a strong record as a conciliator.
And, again, he is not Team Clinton.
That counts for a very great deal.
Irony alert: the editorial also stated that America didn't want "a return to Sen. Clinton's cattle-futures deal, Travelgate, Whitewater, Filegate, the Lincoln Bedroom Fire Sale, Pardongate - and the inevitable replay of the Monica Mess,"--this after the NY Post flogged these issues ad infinitum during the nineties. You'd think Rupert's people would relish a return to those days.
(Feb. 22, 2008) Our Top Story Today: Nancy Nipples Has Some Milk For YOU!
Nancy Nipples started the Pike Place Market Creamery in Seattle 30 years ago, selling milk, butter, cream and the like to help local independent dairies. It didn’t help enough, and little by little they disappeared. "Last year a whole new group of local independent dairies started up a new cycle," Ms. Nipples said. "Hallelujah! The cream has 40 to 45 percent butter fat so you don’t have to chant over it to whip it."
I'm not making this up.
(March 13, 2008) From the "Republicans have their priorities straight" department, item 53,162: The reconvening of the Florida Legislature has brought back on of its perennials, state Sen. Larry Siplin's bill to make illegal the wearing of baggy pants. This, while the Lege fights a severe budget crunch in the Sunshine State.
(May 9, 2008) The 1-ton masonry launcher is on standby: Washington University in St. Louis will be bestowing an honorary degree at this year's commencement ceremony to conservative total woman Phyllis Schlafly. I'm guessing that the irony of so many female graduates of Wash. U. recieving degrees and heading for careers listening to someone with two degrees and a career advocate for women staying in the home didn't occur to the burghers of Wash. U. But wait, there's more:
(Also on May 9, 2008) What's the perfect complement to America's leading antifeminist? America's leading misogynist: Blast Off! excoriates the Schlafly honorary degree, and also points out that the university--his alma mater--has selected no less than Chris Matthews to be commencement speaker. Perhaps he can tell everyone how St. John McCain makes him all tingly, or something like that. (Mitigating circumstance: Tweety is so loud that Wash U. may save on the energy costs of running a microphone and amps.)
(June 13, 2008) Brock Olivo: Pure. Comedy. Gold: Our favorite very possibly dumb ex-jock running for the MO-9 Republican nomination has released a brochure:
Funny how over half of his achievements were on the football field! But his Creative Writing major is perfect for an aspiring Republican such as himself--now he can exxagerate, smear, and lie with the aplomb only an English major can muster. Oh, and breathe easy, Scott Kleeb--the social studies graduate is well below your league.
Sept. 5, 2008:
Salmon 'chanted evening.....someone may be laughin'....
(cue John Facenda-like voice)
In the first decade of the 21st century, Katherine Harris owned the title, culminating in her Senate run in 2006. Afterward, various pretenders to the throne came and went (Adam Putnam, Michelle Bachman, Shelly Sekula-Gibbs) but none could sustain the combination of batshit-craziness, faux earnestness, and sheer incompetence of the Princess of Longboat Key. But on August 29, 2008 , the Princess finally met her match:
Sarah Palin: Pure. Comedy. Gold.
At some point, McCain had to find himself sitting in a room with his (a term used very loosely here) brain trust of advisers, and perhaps the candidate himself said something like: "Hey, I've got a great idea! Even though I've been hammering Barack Obama as being disqualified to be president of the United States because of his youth and inexperience, I'm going to go with a running mate with less experience in public office and who is even younger."
And apparently McCain's inner counsel all rose up and said: "Way to go, big fella! Great idea, John! Bully, just bully!"
--Daniel Ruth, writing for the Tampa Tribune
(Sept. 12, 2008) Your Sarah Palin News time is thirty minutes after the hour! Stand by for your Sarah Palin news, sports, business report, and traffic! According to The Idiot Speaketh, the Fox News Network (We Distort, You Comply) has morphed into all Sarah Palin, all the time news:
Did you know that Sarah loves Mooseburgers? Ya should....it was important enough to be placed ahead of the story of millions of Floridians fleeing Hurricane Ike.
Priorities, people. Priorities. Besides, no new WWWA (Where da White Woman At?) stores have broken recently.
(Dec. 19, 2008) Here's one more reason why Congress should have gotten FISA right: In a thread on Dolittler about wacky questions called into veterinary clinics, there was this gem:
OK now, one more example from the trenches: The woman who called to make an appointment to have her shelter dog's microchip surgically removed. She was convinced the government was listening in on her conversations.
Emphasis mine. Lately I've been asked if the microchips we implant can also act as GPS devices, i.e., can we track their lost pets via satellite? Sadly, no. (BTW, the whole thread is worth a read.)
The winner of the First Annual Floyd R. Turbo Memorial Award for Best Letter to the Editor Wingnuttery: Chapo "Chapeaux" James made a late bid to take the coveted annual trophy, but after reviewing the past year's weekly winners, it turned out to really be no contest. So please congratulate the winner for 2008: Ron Sutterfield of Swansea, Illinois!!!
His body of work included such gems as this:
These five liberal justices think our enemies are entitled to U.S. constitutional rights. What a kick in the face to all Americans and to all U.S. soldiers who died to preserve our rights for all Americans. How totally absurd to offer their constitutional rights to terrorists.[...]
the choice is clear. Continue down the liberal path to socialism via a liberal Supreme Court, or preserve what's left of American culture and the ideal of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Are we voting for a commander in chief of America or a leader of the Black Panthers? After hearing the sermons of Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama's pastor, I have great concern.
To think that a presidential candidate can sit for 20 years under these anti-American hate-filled racial slurs and say that he doesn't agree with some of them is ridiculous. You don't expose your children to this kind of hate unless you believe it.
Mitigating circumstance: he lives in Illinois, so his particular brand of wingnuttery is just strum und drang, signifying nothing. We will see if he can defend his title in the coming year. With the Obama Administration just days away, he will be a role model for wingnuts across the East Metro area. I'm counting on it!
Your first moment of Inky for the new year:
She's probably sleeping off our New Year's party--or else Mocha kept her awake with his needy and pathetic meowing!
Whats the News in your world this week?