From the Collinsville Bureau of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

How is your day going, folks?  It's good to be back in the Master of Snarkimonies chair, if but for one day.  I can't participate in Cheers and Jeers like I used to, so I'm glad to be here, and I'm glad all of you are here!  Welcome back to all of our NN attendees, and for those of us who missed it this year, there is the hope of participating next year.  Those of you that are back, I hope you'll share some reminiscing with us.  It sounded like a great event this year.

I'll be back with my own column on September 5th, meantime..... Cue the theme music!  Cheers and Jeers MONDAY begins (Swoosh!) right now! (Clank.)

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today--Carnivorous miniature daschund discovered in Alton!  Linda Floyd, of our fair city, was admitted to St. Anthony's health center for traumatic loss of her big toe.  It seems that here 1 year old miniature daschund gnawed it off while she was asleep; Ms. Floyd did not feel this taking place due to nerve damage in her foot secondary to diabetes.  Apparently the pet was curious about a bandage on the toe due to a hangnail, and just got carried away. Key quote, from Ms. Floyd's daughter, Elizabeth:

"It's hard to take in when you walk in a room and there's a dog eating your mom."

That's why I call daschunds "four-legged low-slung bite generators."  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our top story today--for a minute there, they had me going:  As noted on Countdown's Best Persons in the World segment on Tuesday night, an Alton inmate attempting to escape from jail crashed through the ceiling of the police chief's vacant office.  The inmates were spotted on police surveillance video and quickly recaptured.

Thankfully, this was Alton, Texas, not my fair city.  Hopefully the criminals here are smarter--but just by a little bit.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side--now with hot wisteria-on-trellis action--in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today--Alton gets ready for the flood:  The city has been preparing for the anticipated crest of the Mississippi River on June 23rd.  Among other preparations, a temporary gravel road has been built to allow the Argosy, a floating casino, to stay open--because, Lord knows, if you're up to your neck in river water, one still should be able to gamble away the butter and egg money. (Prepub update: Now Broadway Ave. itself is starting to flood.

Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today--The King is Going? A Belgian conglomerate called InBev has made an unsolicited $64 per share bid--over 25% over market value--to take over Anheiser-Busch, the largest brewer in the United States.  With many high-paying union jobs at stake, much of the city of St. Louis is deeply troubled, to say the least, at the potential loss of jobs and of a great St. Louis tradition. If we lose A-B, never let the R's forget it went down on their watch.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today; the obvious one:

The Alton Telegraph:

The Belleville News-Democrat:

It seems like an eternity ago when the Iowa caucus results started coming in, and it became clear that Obama would not just win, but win decisively.  That night, I remember having trouble going to sleep.  It was the first time that a positive result in an election had gotten to me like that.  Now the candidate few picked to go all the way has a chance to go all the way!  This is history, that we'll be telling our grandkids about someday.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today--I swear I got stuck behind this woman more than once when I was driving in Sarasota:

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. -- A Florida woman who is considered to be the world's oldest driver got her license renewed until 2011.

Lillian Cox, 101, said she has been driving since 1915 and continues to travel around Tallahassee in her 1984 sedan.  

Said "1984 sedan" is a white Cadillac Deville--natch (I swear, I think they issue big white cars to the retirees in Florida!)--but God bless her for hanging in for so long!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today--the real reason Bill in Portland Maine lost his day job last year--REVEALED?

A bullied office worker has been awarded £5,000 after her boss raised his right buttock from his chair and broke wind in her direction.

Humiliated mother-of-three Theresa Bailey, 43, was the only woman on a sales team where "laddish" behaviour made her life a misery, and continued despite complains to senior managers.

Actually, I think BiPM only makes fart jokes, not the actual article.  OK, not much.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:  We're not retiring in Florida, at least here:

THE VILLAGES: Dozens of fans from across the state lined up as early as 4:30 a.m. for a chance to meet [Oliver] North, a Vietnam War veteran who is host of Fox News Channel's documentary series War Stories with Oliver North.[...]

North's visit to The Villages was one of several stops on a national promotion tour for American Heroes, which features personal accounts of U.S. soldiers North met while embedded in Afghanistan, Iraq and the Philippines.

Retired wingnuts think The Villages is heaven; thus, we're staying the hell away from there.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:Your North Platte, Nebraska, Police at Work:

At 8:16 p.m. on April 22, a North Platte police patrolman was dispatched by the 911 Center to a North Platte home in the 200 block of William Avenue on the complaint of a wedgie[...]

The officer was able to calm the situation and no one was cited or arrested.

The police spokesman said they are ever vigilant and on the lookout for wedgies here.

Because when the number of wedgies explode, the terrorists win.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Credit Crunch Hits Bank Execs Where It Feels Good:  

Deutsche Bank, Germany's largest, has been hit by the global credit crunch so badly that it has issued a memorandum to senior executives telling them that brothel visits and adult channels in hotel rooms cannot be claimed on expenses.[...]

It says the directive was aimed at 800 workers in the bank's communications and social responsibility department, but variations have been sent to all workers.

Fascist bastards!

Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:  There is no top story today, for reasons I'll explain in the tip jar.  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Your Abstinence-Only Sex Education At Work:

A recent survey that found some Florida teens believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.

State lawmakers said the myths are spreading because of Florida's abstinence-only sex education, Local 6 reported.

The usual suspects who oppose this almost certainly oppose Plan B and abortions as well.  Christianism uber alles!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today:  Wave that Junk to Impress the Ladies!  Recent studies of Amazon River dolphins have revealed that the males of that species woo females by grasping water grass or even tree branches between their teeth and displaying their prizes in a ritualistic way.  The behavior had previously been documented only with chimpanzees and humans, but the dolphins use it with more subtlety.  Cue the theme music!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Swedish town celebrates Church Cock victory!

This isn't about what it sounds like.  No, really:

"It’s a lovely cock," said Anna-Maria Larsson, the parish vicar, who plans to mention the award during Easter services on Sunday.

"We’re fortunate to have such a nice symbol on top of our old church."

Finally, we found a new church for Ted Haggard to preach in!  Let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today: Secret Ingredient Discovered in South Miami Beach Omelets:

If this were Oklahoma, Sally Kern would be all over it.  But I'm sure she's busy hunting down falafels instead.  In the meantime.....let's go to press!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

It's March Madness!!!  Here, with a special comment, is Dick Vitale!

March Madness!! You can feel it in the air, baby! Oh, yeah! The Presidential Race! Missisippi!  Pennsylvania!  Guam! It's showtime, baby! Toughest state? Pennsylvania! No doubt about it, baby! Number-one seed is Barack O-bama! Let's see him in action! He's fired up and ready to go! He ain't jivin’ for no one!  Ohhh!! The symbolism, baby! Oh, yeah! Obama's chief competition is Hillary Clinton! But don't forget about the superdelegates! In the end, though, Obama’s takin' home the nomination, baby!

Cheers and Jeers MONDAY begins behind There's More!  (Cue the theme music!)  Right.....NOW!

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story today: when the men's versions come out, be prepared for the obvious jokes!

GREEN designers have invented women’s underwear made of WOOD.

The environmentally friendly knickers and bras use fibres from white pine trees.

There is no risk of splinters because the fibres are spun to create a silky-soft fabric.

Non-toxic dyes are used to eliminate allergic reactions.

This is what in the termite world is called, "edible underwear."   Let's go to press!