The Alton Weekly Inquirer! 05-16-08

From the top floor of the Alton Weekly Inquirer Action EyeWitness NewsCenter On Your Side, in the true-blue state of Illinois....

Our Top Story Today--the real reason Bill in Portland Maine lost his day job last year--REVEALED?

A bullied office worker has been awarded £5,000 after her boss raised his right buttock from his chair and broke wind in her direction.

Humiliated mother-of-three Theresa Bailey, 43, was the only woman on a sales team where "laddish" behaviour made her life a misery, and continued despite complains to senior managers.

Actually, I think BiPM only makes fart jokes, not the actual article.  OK, not much.  Let's go to press!

The Alton Weekly Inquirer!  News from around the nation, around the world, and up your alley!  ("Up my alley?"  Up YOURS!)

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The latest news from the War on Science: Budget cutting has hit the physicists at Fermilab, named for famed University of Chicago nuclear physicist Enrico Fermi, where it hurts.  The Beachwood Reporter lays out some of the painful changes that will need to take place:

* Scientists will use one less dimension.

* E will now equal just MC.

* Fermilab finds new partner, will relaunch as Quarks 'N Things.

* Quark division will be merged with accounting; new double-entry bookkeeping system will feature money that is or isn't there.

All kidding aside, it's still not a good thing when highly trained scientists and technicians are put out of work.  It's one more reason to hate the Iraq War and/or Republicans!

Speaking of physicists, no moss is growing under Bill Foster's feet:  Progress Illinois reports that newly elected Rep. Bill Foster (D, IL-14) is now advocating legislation that would standardize credit card contracts--taking aim at deceptive and predatory practices.  If he can't get legislation through this session, I hope the new, more Democratic 112th Congress (with the support of a Democratic President) will push it through.  Anything to make MBNA cry is all right with me!

Obama wows the Cape:  If Obama wins the general election this November, history may record that his first general election appearance was in the southeast Missouri town of Cape Girardeau.  He spoke to a private town hall meeting of 200 employees of Thornhill, Ltd., a manufacturer of tailored clothing, and was generally well-recieved.  As for Cape Girardeau's most notorious son, resident Betty Michel said simply, "phooey on Rush Limbaugh."  (Prepublication update: the website pulled the article, but the comments remain, and are interesting reading.  Suffice to say, I now understand where Rush Limbaugh came from.)

May the Farce be with you.  And also be with you:  Or, the other headline might be, "this is one of those 'only in Britain' stories.  A man dressed in a Darth Vader helmet with a trash bag cape recieved a suspended sentence for assaulting the founders of the Jedi Church(!) with his crutch. (!!)  I guess he missed the part about a Jedi never using the Force to attack.  (Thank goodness BiPM, our Cheers and Jeers master and huge Star Wars fan, got his paid gig; if he truly was out of work, this might have been how he ended up otherwise!)

Against abortion, check. Against birth control, check.  In favor of expensive clothing for the Pope, check.  But what about the space aliens?  According to this AP article, an interview published in the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's chief astronomer, Rev. Jose' Gabriel Funes, said that a belief in extraterrestrial life is entirely compatible with having faith in God:

"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?  Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation."

That sounds positively Franciscan to my Catholic-trained ears (which is a good thing).  Rev. Funes also added this eminently sensible statement:

The Bible "is not a science book," Funes said.

One shot across the Protestant fundies' bow, check!  (What will they say at the Creation Museum?)

When backscratchers are outlawed, only outlaws will have backscratchers:  A man who obviously did not use the common sense the good Lord gave him accidentally shot himself after attempting to scratch his back with a loaded pistol.  Yes, alcohol was involved.  The only surprise is that this did not take place in Florida!

This week's Floyd R. Turbo Award:  Although repeat offender Ron Sutterfield made yet another strong bid, this letter in the Belleville News-Republican Democrat ran away with this week's prize.  Actually, if I didn't award it to him, he was going to use his paddle:

Bring back the old days of discipline, parents and teachers both. Kids know they have it way too easy and can get away with it. In schools and homes, so many kids are constantly being beaten on by other kids. Today's kids have no consciences. They don't care about what's right or wrong. There's too much back talk. It doesn't bother some kids to kill friends, strangers or themselves.

The old saying, "We reap what we sow," has a great deal to do with it. Teachers and parents need to take back control. Dr. Benjamin Spock said, "We don't have to spank our kids because it warps them and damages their self-esteem." I'm sorry, but that's a bunch of bull.

In the old days, when you got a paddling, you got another when you got home. (Boy, those things hurt.) We grew up knowing who was in charge, they got respect. It wasn't the kids in charge.

Old discipline needs to be brought back. Get rid of all the cell phones, all-day text messaging and the misuse of the computers.

Some old things are definitely for the best. Discipline sure is.

Wally Platz

Collinsville

I would have hated to have been one of his kids, that's for sure.  Violence begets violence.  'Nuff said.

Update on Nancy (and a perfect excuse to run a Nancy pic):

After the scare of her hospitalization last month, further testing has been done, and the word from her gastroenterologist yesterday is that she has a severe form of Crohn's disease.  Read all about it on her blog, SnoKat's Cobwebbed Corner; here's a taste:

I’ve decided that for a good 98% of the time, I’m not going to be "that lady with Crohns." I’m going to be SnoKat, the housewife, the writer, the friend, the daughter, the hard worker, the baker, the gardening, the animal lover, the doer, the goer, the Alan-fan-supreme and Harry Potter worshiper! And I’m going to like myself a little bit better for it too.

I'm going to spend a lifetime working to deserve this wonderful woman and love of mine!  No one loves her more than me!  (OK, her mom does.  That's fine.)

Your moment of Inky:

What's the news in your world this week?